‘Da Troof!
How honest are we, really? I mean self-honesty, not the easy
kind where we do our taxes right or tell someone else they have a piece of
spinach in their teeth. But the real, deep-seated,
hard-to-admit/ouch-that-hurts/am-I –really-like-that kind of honesty.
Experiencing the feeling of epiphany when even discovering the topic and coming
to understand it (as I am trying to) would seem to be an indicator that I have
little actual experience of being
truly self-honest when I’m just now getting a grasp of what self-honesty
actually is. As always, there are
examples.
I want something from someone. It scarcely matters what that
thing is, I just want it: praise, affection, a cookie…who cares. This person
isn’t stepping up to meet my needs to my satisfaction (and after all I’VE done
for this relationship! That’s a joke, by the way, and a pertinent one as you
will see) so I slip a dagger slyly into their ribs, some cut-down, some jab.
The attack, for that is certainly what it amounts to, may even be based on some
factual instance or behavior, as we are all imperfect creatures and wide open
to criticism, but my motivation is unsound and unhealthy and quite selfish. Let’s
say I’m just lonely, feeling hurt and alone. I “reach out” to someone, if that’s
what one calls a heavily landed psychological blow from an uncaring flailing
fist! Because they didn’t respond or respond favorably to my expectations I
point out a fault or failing of theirs, a course of action sure to further
deteriorate an already twisted scenario. If they’re wise they simply avoid the
whole mess and don’t engage with someone who’s approaching them in such a
manner and with such a motivation, and in fact our gut instincts are usually
correct about how “safe” or gentle the intentions of another human being are;
we can just tell, and get a bad vibe when it doesn’t feel right. If they do
engage it is unlikely, since I’m now getting what I wanted which is their
attention (positive or negative), that I will recognize the poor basis and
motivation of my own approach. Or it may just devolve into a fight, which might
also be what I wanted…scary thought, but not without merit. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not talking about jumping out of a dark alley and screaming at someone like a slathering psychopath. The original approach (which I have both given and received many times) is usually something very subtle like, "I guess you're real busy these days, huh?" Don't buy it. What's really being said is, "I guess you're too busy to care about me as a human being because you're so wrapped up in yourself while I suffer like a dumb animal." That may not come out of my mouth, but it's pretty close to what's coming out of my heart.
But let’s say they don’t respond and don’t take the bait.
Silence ensues. That heavy, thought-provoking silence which is sometimes just
another person being very busy (or just not giving a squat) or maybe their guts
are telling them to steer clear. In that silence I am faced with my own
intentions for initiating the original assault. More silence. I’m now
officially out of “the river” (the flow of God’s Holy Spirit where intentions
mean everything). I sense this about myself and am sensitive to it,
fairly close to a redeeming quality if ever there was one! So I apologize,
filling the silence. Or do I?
“Hey, I was just kidding! I didn’t mean anything by it.”
That…is a lie.
I wasn’t kidding. I did mean something by it. I wanted your
attention, I wanted you to comfort me, I wanted to get things from you which
should come from myself or from God or which I should be doing without like a
grownup. But you didn’t respond the way I wanted, and since there’s a nugget in
every sinful nature that wants to be God and control other human beings
(ironic, since God loves and respects free will more than anyone), I lashed
out. Now I’m adding manipulation to my crime of being pathetic, adding injury
to insult as it were. It’s not MY fault for being needy and manipulative, you
see. It’s YOUR fault because you don’t know how to take a “joke”. Indeed. Was
there a joke anywhere in this mess? I think not. Definitely a joke-free
environment, and you can always tell because, well, it wasn’t funny. It was
manipulation, trying to get others to do what I want, to get my “needs” met at
no expense to myself and with minimal effort. Recognizing this behavior is a
good step, and recognizing the unmet needs is an even better one. I wasn’t
being funny, I was being frustrated but not ready to give up yet, so I made it
your fault instead of stepping up and accepting responsibility for manipulative
behavior. Sometimes I may succeed in making you feel bad, which drags me
farther into denial about the original intent, but more often than not I’ve
just twisted myself and the situation to a point where I can’t see my way out
of it. That’s why silence is, indeed, quite golden at tmes.
So what’s the truth, or ‘da troof? The truth is that we’re
all hurt, we all have injuries that create a sense of need. I am not only not
an exception I’m a poster boy for hurt! But is the solution to my hurt a pain
pill, a feel good instance? Will it really help me to have someone feel sorry
for me in my state and put some emotional salve on the wound instead of
addressing it? No, in fact that’s the worst thing that can happen because the
wound itself is never addressed, only the selfish need to “feel better” is at
issue here. The wound can only be healed by God. People can, and sometimes
should, be there for comfort but one should never have to beg or coerce. They
might actually be quite busy with their own hurts and a mess like this may be
interfering with their own healing path, that place of healing that only exists
between God and human being. I originally reached out/lashed out because I did
not want to go to God for healing. I
probably don’t like the way He does business or trust Him enough to do it
right, and that speaks entirely for itself. But His healing is healing, and far better than the
band-aid I would receive from another human being. Compassion, yes. Empathy,
sure. Nothing wrong with any of that in healthy doses. But using another to
avoid God, no we probably need to draw the line there.
As an addendum, the responses of others can be brutal in
these situations, which sort of turns the table on the needy aggressor and can
exacerbate a conflagration. Instead of kind, gentle words of “Hey, what’s
really bothering you?” the approached person may lash out in their own turn.
This has happened to me, from a family member. They were right, of course; I
was being manipulative. But because they’d been the victim of many
manipulations in the past their response was inordinate and angry in its own
right. In such an instance you just come clean about it, man up, admit your
fault and as much of your motivation as you can see, apologize and move on with
a vow to try never to do it again. I can’t help your hurt which manifested
itself in such ire at being twisted up, nor can I expect you to help with mine.
Supporting each other is a different matter from playing god/healer with each
other, and gentleness is almost always a fine approach, laced with firmness at
times, because gentleness avoids the whole tug-of-war approach of human nature
which, when you pull one way commands me to pull the other.
So (speaking to the rest of humanity), I’ll make
you a deal: I’ll not turn to you for soul healing and try to manipulate you
into doing what I want for my own needs if you’ll correct me gently and not
lash out in your own turn. And vice versa. It may take some work but with
self-awareness and a good heart, self-honesty
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